Hittade lite dåliga 40k skämt.

Klomster

Hittade dom på internet, om ni har lite och göra och inte tar 40k för seriöst.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Space Marine: For the greater glory of the Emperor!

Chaos Space Marine: The road is the line of loyalty to the Emperor. You see, he is betraying the corpse on the throne.

Eldar: Foolish Mon-Kiegh, we used to rule the stars! Did you know that! We were so great, and yet you dare raise rebellion against us...

Dark Eldar: It must of known we were coming.

Necron: To feed the insaitable hunger of the Star Gods.

Tau: For the greater good.

Ordos Malleus: To escape the Daemon horde.

Ordos Hereticus: To become the Daemon Horde.

Ordos Xenos: Thats not a chicken! Thats a Type 3 Andrulax Poultry Scourge! Get down! (Pulls out Bolter)

Tyranids: To evolve.

Eldar (cont.): ...Upon thousands of worlds bent to our will. They were destroyed upon our merest whims! Oh back in 1986, we could have had it all, oh man if only the Farseer had let me in the game and off the bench. We could have gone far, we could have gone to NATIONALS. We were so great...

Imperial Guard: We were trying to cook it with our lasguns, but that only annoyed it so it left this side.

Kroot: Hey that my little brother! What in the bloody heck is that Xenos guy doing!

Armoured Company: Thats what that squishy sound was...

Alpha Legion: Our disguises worked!

Eldar (cont.): So of course I told em to sell thier stocks! Tallarn property was on the way up! But all the Farseers said hey that viral bombs gonna get ya. But did they listen? NOOO! We were far to alien to be trusted. So then they all died! Anyways...

Vallahans: In Vallaha, we have no roads. Just snow. Lots of snow. Lots and lots of snow.

Squats: (Unavailibe due to extinction.)

Orks: Where did ya say it wuz goin? I'm 'ungry!

Grot: Run for your lives! Its a chicken!

Klomster

Här är en dark angel grej. Tycker den blir tråkig när dom hittar cypher. Eller vänta, den blir nästan kass då! (Fast ni kanske tycker den är kul)

Dark Angels at the movies.

(Movie theater. Various normal people sitting around, waiting for the movie to begin. Doors open, and Azrael, Ezekiel and Asmodai of the Dark Angels enter. They make their way to an empty row)

AZRAEL- Brothers, come! We shall sit here, in a row that is free of heretics and accursed alien filth!

EZEKIEL- Thou art correct, Brother. I sense no tainted mind of Chaos within this row!

ASMODAI- Come Brothers! Let us be seated! (They all sit down. Their massive power-armoured forms block the view of seven people behind them)

AZRAEL- Alas!

ASMODAI- Brother, what is thy concern?

AZRAEL- In our foolish rush, we have forgotten to purchase refreshments!

ASMODAI- Dost thou wish to repent and seek forgiveness, Brother Azrael?

EZEKIEL- Come Brothers, calm thyselves! There is still time!

AZRAEL- I shall take a squad of Marines to the refreshment area, where we will purchase food and drink, which we shall consume for the duration of this motion picture!

ASMODAI- Wait Brother! We still require local currency!

AZRAEL- Blessed be thy quick mind Asmodai! I shall empty my pockets for local currency! (Azrael empties his robe pockets)

AZRAEL- Emperor's blood... I have only enough to purchase strong monkish ale for but one of us!

EZEKIEL- Fear not Brother, for we too shall empty our pockets! (They all empty their pockets)

ASMODAI- Praise be Him on Terra! We have enough of this crude local currency to purchase strong monkish ale for us all!

EZEKIEL- But wait! What about nourishment?

AZRAEL- Aye, in the form of heavily salted popped corn!

ASMODAI- We have not enough to purchase such decandant luxuries!

AZRAEL- Thou art correct Asmodai. But enough idle prattle! I go now to purchase strong monkish ale!

(Azrael stands up, but begins to struggle)

EZEKIEL- Brother Azrael, what is wrong?

AZRAEL- Uuurgh... c-can't move... feet stuck... to f-floor! Urgh!

ASMODAI- Alas, he is being held by arcane and blasphemeous Chaos sorcery!

AZRAEL- Some sort of... urrgh... strange adhesive... coating m-my armour! Aaargh!

EZEKIEL- Brother, arm thyself! We must free our beloved Chapter Master from this foul embrace of Chaos!

(Ezekiel and Asmodai arm their bolters. Azrael suddenly breaks free on the chewing gum that had stuck to the soles of his boots)

AZRAEL- Hold thy fire Brothers! I have broken free!

ASMODAI- Truly our Chapter Master is blessed by the Lion and the Emperor of Terra, may His light never die!

AZRAEL- We shall have time to rejoice later Brother, for I still must...

EZEKIEL- Brother Azrael! The motion picture has started!

AZRAEL- Curses! Then I must make haste, immediately! Our parched gullets depend on my swiftness!

ASMODAI- Then hurry Brother! With all haste! Emperor be with you!

AZRAEL- Many thanks Brother! I go now... TO PURCHASE STRONG MONKISH ALE!

ALL- UNTIL THE SWORD IS REFORGED!!!

(People in the back row begin to throw popcorn at them)

EZEKIEL- Brothers, take cover! We are under fire!

ASMODAI- Arm thyselves! Prepare to return fire! We shall cleanse their souls with righteous bolter fire!

AZRAEL- Die heretic filth!!!

Klomster

(They open fire and massacre the people in the back row. In the row in front of them, CYPHER and LUTHER)

LUTHER- (points back over shoulder) See? THAT'S why I turned to Chaos...

CYPHER- My sentiments exactly... (turns to face the three Dark Angels) WILL YOU THREE SHUT UP!!!

AZRAEL, EZEKIEL AND ASMODAI- Emperor's bones! Cypher, the Fallen One! REPENT, FOR TOMORROW YOU...

CYPHER- yeah, yeah, blah blah blah...

(A WATCHER pops up from nowhere, steals Cypher's popcorn and runs off)

CYPHER- Why you little-!

(WATCHER giggles sadistically and runs out of the cinema)

CYPHER- Curse you, you damn Jawa-wannabe!!!

(CYPHER pulls out plasma pistol and bolt pistol and sprays fire around randomly, slaughtering people)

LUTHER- Cypher, jeez, it's just popcorn, and besides, the damn things are invulnerable...

CYPHER- Raaaaaaargh!!!

(Azrael whips out combi-plasma and places it point-blank to Cypher's forehead)

AZRAEL- Die, Fallen One!

CYPHER- You do realise I'll only truly die if the divine power that protects me rolls three ones...

(Azrael fires. Cypher is blown apart. Luther looks on, amused)

LUTHER- Well, whaddya know? Guess Cypher wasn't so lucky after all...

(Ezekiel and Asmodai pull out force sword and crozius respectively and loom over Luther)

EZEKIEL AND ASMODAI- REPENT, TRAITOR!!! FOR TOMORROW YOU DIE!!!

LUTHER- ... Wait a minute.

AZRAEL, ASMODAI AND EZEKIEL- WHAT IS IT, FOUL ONE SPEAK SWIFTLY, FOR YOUR TIME IS...

LUTHER- Shut it. I was wondering, about that "Repent for tomorrow you die" thing...

AZRAEL- It is our sacred battlecry!

LUTHER- Yes, but technically, if you are to adhere to your battlecry, you should come back tomorrow and kill me tomorrow, which is kinda silly really, since you've just sort of warned me and given me some sort of advantage, as I can stay out your way tomorrow.

AZRAEL- Shut up! Shut up!

LUTHER- Furthermore, if you shout that battlecry EVERY TIME you are about to do battle with someone, doesn't that mean that you can never kill anyone? I mean, take now for instance. You say, "Repent, for tomorrow you die", correct? Now, if you do track me down tomorrow, you would have to shout your battlecry again; "Repent, for tomorrow you die", so you couldn't attack me then either. And so on and so on and so on.

EZEKIEL- (downcast) You've just mutilated the battlecry we've been happily using for ten millennia...

ASMODAI- That's soooo meeeean!!!

LUTHER- And what's up with the dresses!? The old Dark Angels never wore dresses!

AZRAEL- They are our holy robes...

LUTHER- Damn it, I don't even want to be the Great Fallen One of a damn transvestite chapter! I wonder if the Ultramarines could recruit me as some sort of arch- enemy of old? At least they don't wear dressing gowns into battle!

EZEKIEL- If I can just make a point...

LUTHER- Just get out of my sight. You're scum. I don't even want to look at you.

ASMODAI- But Sir...

LUTHER- SPEAK WHEN YOU'RE SPOKEN TO, MONK BOY!!! Now, get out.

(Azrael, Asmodai and Ezekiel shuffle out of the cinema. Luther settles back in his seat and rests his feet on a Watcher in the Dark)

LUTHER- Thank Chaos for that.

TWO WEEKS LATER, THE EMPEROR'S THRONEROOM...

ADEPTUS CUSTODES- Lord God Imperator?

THE BIG GUY- Yeeeeeeeesss...?

ADEPTUS CUSTODES- (hands the Throne Geezer a piece of paper) The Dark Angels wish to hand in their letter of resignation...

THE BIG GUY- WTF!!?

ADEPTUS CUSTODES- Apparently they've had rather a strict talking-to and they've just had enough of being bullied really. They want to quit.

THE BIG GUY- BY MY GOLDEN TOILET, THEY CANNOT SIMPLY QUIT!!!

ADEPTUS CUSTODES- Oh, they did kill Cypher though...

THE BIG GUY- Ah well, guess no rebirth for me... and I really wanted to be the Star Child too...

THE END

DragonTear

Tja, den här är åtminstone underhållande

Tranquility

Jag gillade kyckling storyn =)
Eldars vet verkligen inte begreppet "hålla käften" =)

Sven

hehe när jag tänker på 40k-skämt så tänker jag direkt på vad "Lono" skrev i en tråd för nåt år sedan på Coolminiornot.

frågan ställdes av "Tony Manero" (heter egentligen Marco):

I wonder why everytime i see a chaotic mini there is always a beheaded or a headshot marine helmet chaotic marines have a particular fetish for loyalist's heads? SM helmets are defective? Their necks are too thin?.....

That's a big question of life indeed

Efter lite diskussion kom Lono upp med svaret:

Has anyone read the Black Library book Horus Rising, which is set 10,000 years before the current 40k timeframe?

There is an interesting bit of dialogue from the then good guy Abbadon, just after one of the ‘Space Marines bonding Top Gun style’ bits. The future scourge of mankind tells one of his battle brothers, and I quote:

"Helmets, that’s where true power lies in this galaxy. Not in the bark of a bolter round, the devastating hammer blow of an orbital bombardment or the stern will and resolve of an entire Marine Chapter, but in the possession of many pretty shiny helmets. Oh I just love them, they are so super! Only when I have more helmets than I can possibly carry will I be satisfied, and I want all the varieties and colours under the sun too. I have a wing of the Adeptus Mechanicus working on an advanced helmet removal tool to aid me in my gathering. They even made a helmet storage rack for the top of my armour. It’s a little impractical, spiky as hell, rather dark and twisted looking and perforates the helmets like you wouldn’t believe but I wear it anyway from time to time... You know, just to keep them happy, they put in so much effort.

“The problem is that the Emperor doesn’t really share my views on helmets. I dunno, he seems to think we can rule with oppression and fear, throw our weight around a bit... I think more helmets is the way forward. Let’s just get lots and lots of helmets.

“I’m going to suggest a change of policy to him when we next meet. More helmets for all. In the far future, perhaps the 41st millennium, I foresee that there will be only helmets.

“You’re all with me right men?”

At this point they all respond with a hearty cheer and polish their helmets together. Quite an illuminating little passage I’m sure you will agree.

tråden

;)

Klomster

Så det är därför alla chaos vill döda imperiet!

satansäckel

Sven: Den där lilla historien var ju faktiskt riktigt underhållande, och inte så lite Monty Python! (precis som Dark Angel-historien tidigare för övrigt!)

Klomster

Hittade ett forum dedikerat till grey knights.

Detta var reglerna och jag tyckte dom var underhållande.

Welcome, Brothers Welcome to the only forum on this planet dedicated to our Ordo!

Our rules are simple: Honour your Emperor, Honour your Battle Brothers, and Despise the Heretic, the Daemon, and all Practitioners of Warp-Craft.

Be simple in words. However, full use of Imperial Syntax and Grammatica handed down to us from Ancient Terra must be followed. Any failure to give the noble language of Mankind its due respect will result in the harshest Penalty: Excommunication and induction into an Archo-Flagellation unit. Upon your inevitable death, your ashes will be fired into the heart of a star, and all memory of your service will be erased from the Forum's DataStacks.

Honour the Lords of the Adepti Administratum and Moderatus as well as your Battle Brothers. Failure to do so will result in your immediate excommunication, and the revilement of your name by your peers and the censure of all your posts within the forum. A return from exile is possible, however, with the proper rituals of purification and atonement.

Yours in Faith, ++Inquisitor Praexes++ Adept of the Administratum Erus Grammaticum

Wazz

Den med dark angels var fan roligast (tills det blev massa popcornkastande osv. marines som bara ÄR är roliga, och det behövs inte förklaras att azrael satt fast i golvet, det är roligt nog som det är). Kanske onödigt att dom drar fram bolters också... Men men, kul iaf :P

Har redan hört den med abaddon, men den är bra också :)